My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
You Might Also Like
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.