I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.