I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.