What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus