GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.