My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, soâŚ
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
âAnd I want video games and new shoes and….â
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: Whatâs going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they donât like that food anymore
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
How my city treated us singles yesterdayđŽâđ¨đŠ
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Whereâd he go? đđ
doggosbeingdoggos
My gf doesnât want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she âneedsâ to see a doctor âimmediatelyâ to get her âappendixâ out.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didnât pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.