*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.