In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.