Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
You Might Also Like
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.