I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.