Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Fidel Castro was alive?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?