Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Plant care tips
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Saturday
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street