In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.