This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Reporter: *ports again*
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”