Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
boat question
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it