I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police