Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
This did not end as expected.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.