WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Noted.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.