“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.