Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You Might Also Like
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Not all heroes wear capes.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!