Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You Might Also Like
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.