If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.