Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
✌️
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….