“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Extremely relatable.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,