When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
this chia pet tastes awful
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him