Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.