I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
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an octopus is just a wet spider
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Welcome
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.