A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Self-cleaning conscience