Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
is this how new cars are made??
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry