[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.