paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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Ladies, why y’all do this?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
(more comics:
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold