friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The happy life.. 😊
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv