I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
You Might Also Like
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Smells like a challenge to me
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Wake me when AI does housework
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.