no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
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I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.