Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.