BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
You know I’m something of a chef myself
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!