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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”