Salad is the decaf of food.
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive