To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
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20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.