“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
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Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE