My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them