[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd