Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Not all heroes wear capes…