My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral