I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes