I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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Does your wife know you’re single?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”