The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
This guy’s not having it 😆
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”