stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
what the
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here