My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I bet birds love this building.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.