Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.